Monday, November 10, 2008 ♥
Ever felt u dnt belong? Watever u did was nvr enough? People expect more than that and will nvr be impress by ur hardwork? They go all around thinking they noe u best but when u tried to be that person, they sae u fake it. It just ain't working. Im lost !!! Lost in my thoughts... Lost in my world... Everything is getting worse, I cnt find myself no more. I cnt find the reason to live. A reason to fight. Cried every night wishing things would get bttr, but only God noes wat happen. Wat am I suppose to do? How can things be bttr? If a car would hit me and leave me dead, I dnt think anyone would ever notice. Their lives would be bttr I guess. Bttr without me...
Sometimes I do plan to do something lyk that. Just getting out of their lives. I dnt noe wat to do anymore. I am tired... Tired of thinking... Tired of listening and trying to make it bttr... Tired of being the person Im not... Im just going crazy... Im so stress !!!! My heart is so heavy. Why am I here? What is the reason for my existance? Why am I not dead? Isn't it bttr that way... No one will get hurt. No more reason to fight. No more misery.
I noe Im not suppose to think of all this. I have Syukri with me and watever happens he will be here for me. I noe that...but still.. *Sob Sob* Im so sowie sweetheart. I noe this hurts. I noe u'll do ur best to help me and take this burden off me but I noe nothing can be done. I've been feeling this way since I was young. And this problem is still here. Dnt u worie so much okae baby, I'll be fine... I just need time for myself I guess. To calm myself.
Firstly this morning, my laptop cnt sign in to VPN. I was olready annoyed and was in no mood when I got to sch and this just adds on to it. How bad can the dae be? Well...REALLY REALLY BAD !!!! During the second breakout, I sent it to the IT- helpdesk.. Got it back and I thought everything will be fine. Turn out, that was just the starting of the disaster. Stomach got really bad and I was vomitting during presentation. Manager called in last minute telling me I dnt need to work. Was having no appetite to eat at all. Actually, I haf not eaten for 3 days olready. I haf been surviving on cold water only. Then now, when I got hm... My laptop is giving me tons and tons of prob. Cnt use wireless. Cnt sign in to VPN. Cnt log in to LEO. Cnt send in my RJ. Cnt use the Microsoft Power Point & Word. UT client and UT agent not working..TMR GOT UT LA SEI !!!!
FUCKING ASSHOLE DAMN SHIT.. arrghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fatin, Fiza and Rena talk to me just now talking bout the same old topic. "Zee, u not gonna climb anymore??".. Yeah I noe it's sad that Im not climbing anymore and this wasn't wat anybody suspect would happen but it did. YES, I AM NOT CLIMBING ANYMORE!!!!!! Pls, can we not talk bout this anymore?? Im still paranoid as it is. Im still mad at wat has happen. All of u noe that I love climbing so much. It is not my decision to stop climbing. I still want to climb. I miss going to Sports Complex aft class. I miss climbing. I miss joking around and climbing all the routes with all of u. But rite now, no one is approving me to climb. NO ONE!!! How sad can that be? Im so sowie guys.. Fatin, I really dnt noe if I can still keep the promise and train u to be one of the best. Fiza and Rena, Im really sowie that we cnt be the TERUKS anymore. Im really really sowie Mummy.. Yeah we are all sad, but pls dnt be coz it'll make me feel more bad. =(
Hasta La Vista...
listened to the sweet sound @ 9:40 PM
